Do you ever feel your words are wasted? You try to communicate, the way you’re supposed to in a relationship. A problem arises, large or small, so you ask your friend, your spouse, whoever, to sit down and chat. Perhaps you begin with a list of issues. That ends putting the other person on the defensive. “I never said that!” “How could you accuse me of doing that!” “That wasn’t a big deal so why does it bother you?” Nope. Not the way to go.

The next thing you try is to start off with a list of things you appreciate about that person: how hard they work on the relationship; how much they love you and you love them, etc. then you introduce what’s bothering you. Can we talk about this? Again they’re on the defensive, accusing you of “buttering them up” until you get to the problem. So, what’s wrong with that? Just wait and you’ll get told what exactly is wrong with that. Or, they respond “Yeah, I know. It’s all my fault. I’ve always been that way and I’ll never change. I’m a horrible person.” Huh? I never said that.

Ok, let’s try this again. You begin with an example of a problem but state you are not going to discuss a list of examples. Instead you have decided that your viewpoint is changing to one of acceptance. You understand that the only person you can change is yourself. The other person is who they are and that’s it. So rather than looking at what you used to consider failures: communication, finishing what you start, shared projects that don’t turn out to be shared. You are going to accept that is just the way things are. You will work on what is a priority to you and they can work on their own priorities. Acceptance instead of confrontation. Their response? “You’re being confrontational.” You think: How can they receive it that way? You consider your tone, which was calm and soft. You re-think your words: acceptance not confrontation. Nope, you don’t see a problem. Obviously this isn’t working. So you walk away.

Hours later you request their time for another talk. You try again. “I realize last time I sprung a new idea on you unexpectedly. Now that you’ve had some time to process it, is there any reaction you have? Any thoughts?” At first there is an actual conversation. Hope rises in your heart. A more thorough discussion ensues. You bring up a list of all the wonderful examples of how they love you and are working to strengthen the relationship. You discuss how you are working together on your marriage. Yes, you bring up more examples but only to show how you are now looking at the results differently. No failures. Just accepting that other person deals with issues or projects differently, in their own way. You both think. You get closer, reach out a hand and touch their arm. “If my attitude is wrong, help me!” “I see you’re unhappy and there’s nothing I can do about it.” You sigh. “I guess I should have stopped after the first sentence.” The other person walks away and you are left wondering what more you could have said.

This is definitely not a good day for a conversation. These are definitely not the right words for a conversation. This is definitely not the right outcome you desired for this conversation. This was definitely a time of wasted words and wasted breath. Sigh.